A minute and a half

She typed her fire statement in bold with her deep black ink pen onto the white crisp sheet of paper she snatched from under her latest reading book. That was the statement in her mind which brightens her eyes, makes her leave everything she is doing and get to writing it all down. The fire statement put another bomb line for her to proceed into a river full of words that she maneuvered across a path to the ultimate sea of understanding. She has a quick realization. She has left her food prep for dinner at the kitchen table and her dedicated husband in the living room without giving any notice of her downpour coming. She checks her watch. A minute and a half later he is at the door of her study and asks her the question she hates. ‘What are you doing here?’


Now our madam is so used to a life of her own and her own times of motivations and movement, it was always a challenge to explain what she felt, why she felt it at that exact time and why she found it so precariously important to forget everything and get it done.

At the same time, her last 5 years had been steadily stabilized and pushed into the routine she dreads and runs away from by her ever loving and a complete opposite lover. He was too innocent for her complex and smart brain to deviate her from all the drama she created to avoid settling down into a domestic life with him. His innocent questions at her attempts to break up the relation logically, her disappearance into distant places for a day or two with no trace and her flared anger at physically pushing him out of her spectrum were the things he responded to with such a sensitivity it forced her into guilt.

She had not given up these vicious attempts, she had learnt to be easy in her reactions as none of the forceful things worked with this one. He just grew stronger in his hold of her but like the water that takes shape of the vessel it is in. She had no defense beyond his surrender.

Yet, time and again the free soul inside her tested his abilities to hold her without her consciously choosing to do so. Quite simply that is how her life had been. Alert, fierce and swooshing around like the wind out of the grasp of anyone who tried to hold her and name her as a form. She was formless, but she loved to stay with a simpleton sitting on the top of a mountain enjoying his breeze as it floated by. Her only place of solace. Her security. At times, when he entered her room to check on her, or the fact that he could not leave her alone more than a minute and a half, intrigued as well as irritated her.

As she toyed the idea of answering his question with utmost honesty or the best possible lies she could tell, she smirked at his naivety. Her imagination went ‘Do you have to always know what I am upto and follow me. Don’t you understand I need space?’ and break his heart for a day and a half, essentially giving her the space she required to create what she wanted. OR ‘What if…’ she thought.

She picked her heavy black nibbed pen, smiled at him and called him over to see if she had penned down her thoughts about this space a woman craved for, well enough in these first two statements.

His naive mind would seize the opportunity and suggest her 8 to 10 things she could better, which is when she retreated to her desire for her day and a half of silent space again.


Pic Courtesy: /brainsnorts.files.wordpress


.. Feels like I need to be ‘there’


Does this happen… life is going by on the side.. and one very fine afternoon. You sit thinking about that one moment you can’t share with anyone. That one moment totally owned by your heart, that one decision thereafter which your life would have never been the same.
Why would I keep thinking of those moments again and again. I mean there is ofcourse a closure right? What does it mean if these feelings haunt you once every week. Whats up, brain chemicals? OMG my instincts is it?
Is this the feeling that somewhere a train is leaving?
A flight is taking off.. and you somehow had to be there.
Are Goodbyes ever enough?
What if something is pending?
What if you have to do something about it?
Should you?
This feeling rules all romantic movies. Doesn’t it?
Going after someone you love at the airport, train station, travelling the metro, saying good bye but not really meaning it or stopping a plane because you want to declare your love, has ruined us for life. Expectations hell yeah! Its not love until the train stops. Apart from life long romance, when someone runs and wins after getting motivated. When your superhero fights with all his might and beats the shit out of the antagonist, it creates a funny feeling in your chest and tummy and suddenly you feel everything is justified.
These feelings I just described are the essence of life, my life. I live my life waiting for these moments. Come on, aren’t we living in a time where people take drugs to experience love and butterflies in their stomach. I thought why don’t I revel in these moments without any judgements.
Okay so, I am an Aquarian woman. Falling in love and expressing it are big challenges. Hell, even maintaining eye contact with people I do not want to look at comes as a huge challenge. But do you know what!! I feel 200% more on the inside. I am a Bollywood dreamer on the inside. I rehearse my meetings with my loved ones. I can live the moment way before it happens and experience my ecstasy just through my thoughts.
I always have believed in going out of the box. I will do things that are impossible.
I will take a flight alone, I will travel miles for someone I feel all this and I will make it look like it was nothing. Just another day in my life. What no one knows is that these days of my life are the ones that make me come alive. 4 days of living just by my instincts has given more to me in experience, in understanding of myself and most importantly my capacity to be in Love, with the moment, with a person, with me when I am there, the place, the magic of that feeling.. See ‘Bollywood’
I am good at scripting, story telling, taking the fantasies straight out in the open and proving to my own self that I can actually live through my fantasies.
There are flip sides to this,
1) You have to be ready for whatever happens
     Living like this definitely does not give any guarantees and the very fact that you are        true to your self will keep you ready even in the face of rejection.
     I have asked many a people sometimes to have another coffee, or have a drink or go
     on drive. And because there is no intention in it, escape for the coffee, drink or drive
     it is easier to handle a ‘No’. More often that not, this no also comes very politely. That
     person is going to remember you and probably dream of meeting you again no matter
     how many years it takes.
2) Your heart will be broken
     Heart break as I have observed is more painful when done for someone’s acceptance        and quite matured when it comes against what you totally are in tune with. Simply
     being, its much easier to accept a heartbreak after you gave it your all and it reached a      point of rejection. You will be practical in accepting that the latter part did not work         out. But you are going to live the rest of your life with pride.
3) Your near and dear ones won’t be able to relate to you
      This is living on the edge. For me, this is being a real human being with no garbage in       the mind. You are free, no burden. Yet remember that we all live in a system and you
      would have family and friends and they won’t be able to relate to the person before           you did this and the one after. Something changes and it is always for the better.                 Because this process is of becoming a best friend of your self.
4) You will sit afternoons or nights wondering about what ifs
     Just like me today. Yes, if you live your life this way, which is actually your own way,          you are going to have soul questions popping up and you will be forced to slow down        and confront them. This is your best friend demanding answers, nudging you to go on      and do more crazy.
On the path of self friendship, you will encounter all this and more, the elements which bother you for example the crush you had your heart on or a soul connection you fell in love with are mere reflections. The journey is you and you are the journey. Probably through the Rubik’s cube of life, you may even meet again and give the seeking energy its warmth.
My tea is over and through this write up I have answered my soul questions for now. 🙂
Gotto go do crazy.
What else do you expect a Bollywood and dance fanatic to do, Sit in office and listen to Diljit Dosanjh?
Hell yes I am.
In my thoughts.



Ignorance will be bliss and why?

A black comedy of what is happening in this age.

not know.jpg

I am addicted to Facebook. Precisely I am addicted to information. I have given a deep thought to arrive at my second statement. I dig information, I yearn for more and more to know. And for the last 4 years, I seem to have gone out of control.

First I was in a relationship with a person who was into mindless viewing of things on his phone. No amount of straight talks and cajoling or distraction worked. Once done with his phone, he moved to his ipad and then the television. Like a vicious observer who will eventually pen out a great script and build a movie, I observed him to detail. I could not get any valid reasons as to why was this obsession to go from one screen to next when you have a person convinced to live with you. As I avoided those screens with the silent treatments and even a post graduation, I derived two things – first he is a retard who has no purpose in his life and every screen holds his fragile life together or second and a big one – I have not really caught on to the world as of yet.

The first one would have saved my time and energy and opened up new channels but the second doubt being a self one and hence bigger, I decided to take on the challenge to really look at what gratification and life enhancing elements lie in those screens.

And once I decided to look and ponder and explore, like we all know, there was no looking back. This gratification is not just instant. It will put instant gratification to shame.

The plethora of information and personalities, stories and ideas is like a tsunami wave that you fancy to surf on. There are endless possibilities in that virtual world, nothing seems impossible. It completes every aspect of your life like a Boss of which, your reality is like a behind-the-camera action meant to be edited out even in the bloopers. I was a star. I was getting lauded. I got all the appreciation at the instant that I demanded. And after sometime of doing this, I could not agree more with the person who ignored me for all this. He was worth ignoring too.

I was no more interested in his interests online. Who he liked and why. Who he flirted with and appreciated for the very reasons he loathed me. It all just dimmed down and disappeared. I found my worth and I found my fan following. I was so much more than what I thought. I thought I was a human but then I became a virtual famed character and no one was more important than all that.

I found this option to be much more peaceful than actually cooking a meal and waiting for my partner to appreciate it. I loved my space with the phone. Everything was available here. Something to pacify me, something to turn me on, something to help me start a career or a kill a relationship. All answers right there. I need not think  anymore.

Love, I have learnt is reserved only for the self. Every person is ultimately trying to get to his own self. Other people exist to serve you coffee and the food they don’t really want to share. I think at times, this is off topic, but if I don’t have the share-my-food desire, I must stay away from relationships where I have to pretend to be hungry when the other person is. Imagine that level of stress, I won’t be able to fake that for any time at all.

So with all the information and my new found self status, I roamed like a diva. I was a narcissist and absolutely okay to be so and then there starts the existential crisis. Its difficult for people to live with someone who loves herself (this is major truth) and then comes the pushed down your throat guilt trips.

The beginning of amends and value realisation for the chance to serve a dying relation demands that you put your phone away. But how can I?

I am supposed to put away a life, a virtual famed one which saved me from this real life trajectory. Like what. You expect that I put my validation and instant gratification away to work things out with you at the pace of how things actually are. How can I abandon my saviours. Who are you and why do you deserve this attention after all. I again plunge into my saviours for the answers that are already waiting for me. This is a spiral and it goes on.

Sadly, we haven’t been educated about that one happy place to go back to. I mean who will really have your answers but you. As simple as this may sound, it takes years and years to bring you back to your self. This journey can be really long.

So after a trauma of loving, losing, accepting and adapting – I am trying to let go of my instant mix world. Because this tsunami of information has consumed me and I have no idea where I am. Am I being helped to surface or being pushed further down – no clue!

I decide to be ignorant. Ignorance to be a part of this race, this information, this participation pushed and fuelled by others. I may not know everything but I rather know me. This one is enough for this lifetime, isn’t it.