When you have everything but sleep

I love my sleep. I am a great personality when I have had my night sleep in order. There is clear proof. No puff below my eyes. Happy smile. Great productivity as well as empathy for others.
I have spent my early years sleeping deep till afternoon. Me and my sister defined Sundays at home. We also have a common trait where we sleep when we are low or have too much to deal with. That is just how we stayed sane. It was fine till the work hours start extending. It is given in the Advertising industry that if you are indeed leaving from work on time it means you are not really working. That is also the age where you fancy working late, staying up late as you feel you can do all of it. And you tell your sleep to wait up for your youthful times. I did enjoy late night drives and food. I still do.

Then something changes post 25. It suddenly is apparent that you are not a Superhero. That every night you stay awake and still report to work on time next day has serious repucussions on the kind of responses that you give your customer tickets working in a Domain Registry as a Cyber Security Analyst. That was me 7 years ago. The next time you see your response, you will be shocked that you gave a reply like that. Its straight out of your REM sleep mode fantasies that pan out mixed with the awareness of the real issues being discussed. I so far remember I wrote something like ‘Kindly log in to your control panel and Click on unicorn.’

Post 26, you have the experience of the work world scenario, cheating bosses, broken relationships and you have now started being grateful to your mom who feeds you dinner. At this age, as per what happened to me, I was single and roaring. There was a fire within which came from a big F given away to everything that didn’t work out by the books and all that mattered is you keeping yourself busy and away from any of those self reflecting thoughts. So yes a workholic, deep sleep for 5 to 6 hours, staying longer than your work hours at work and a big hello to acidity. It takes that break down from the constant running away from your self and finally taking a break for your self. (I totally recommend a 10 day Vipassana course at any age crisis point in your life.)

This stage of life is the best. The teething period is over and you are a seasoned youngter with some maturity and experience. You have become aware of the things that make you happy, that are necessary for you and which you cannot do without. Food, sleep and Sitcoms. Now you do not want anyone else to take this away .

30 is life changing. Especially if you have been running and struggling to keep a startup afloat and you didn’t care till now if you are sleeping well. But now you do.

Incidentally, even though you need it, value it and crave it, you are miles away from getting that nap which is calling out to you. You dream about having it. You plan it in your calendar. You schedule your relationships around it. You also excuse yourself from parties early. But goddamn the miracle that this sleep is not a high maintenance girlfriend that I keep chasing. And it seems just so not enough. 

The grown up responsibilities, value of home cooked food, hungry pets and people who ask you to spare a little sleep for love are inescapable, aren’t they? 

I just might use a too busy tactic one day and go off to a cosy place in the mountains away from humans and blame the bad network later for a much needed snooze. 




Calm of the night

I love the paradox of the light that has been gifted to us by nature. Night.
Technically, the absence of light.

Whats so wonderful about the night. It ends the day. It puts the reverberating energy to rest. One feels the stillness of the world as the mortals around you retire to dreams and REM. It is that time of a day that rejuvenates the tired senses in deep slumber. The mind gets to slow down.

It is also a time when I feel my demons go back to the closet. I get to have that space to let myself free. There is no prejudice, no explanations to anyone about how you feeling or how you stare at the night lit ceiling or wonder at the clarity you start gaining in darkness.
I can wriggle in the sheets to stretch my body to a limit I can. I feel the millions of sensations that my body goes through before it starts to take my consciousness away.
I get to dream about the life that I love and to design my world with regards to my present scenarios, well no actually. I design a world far surreal and away than the present.
It has a lot of floating in space and touching the beauty of nature. I dream of caressing lions and tigers and getting smothered in their love. Or a hundred puppies running towards me and filling me up with ecstasy.

Sometimes I run at the speed of light and this imagination has always made me feel so energized.
I talk to plants and they respond to me.
The best time is when I reminisce beautiful moments I spent in the arms of a lover and I enhance the setting, background by a change of seasons. I place both of us in a cozy setting at the top of mountains or great places that I see in magazines and feel the rush of winds in my ears as I hold his hand tightly. It is awesome to share the zest of life with your loved one.
Mesmerizing kisses and the wonderfully melting waist grabs.

Some days I also jump off tall buildings and high points and experience the exhilaration of falling without any control. This imagination helps to let go of a lot of beliefs that are troubling me concurrently in the day. Much like the Evanescence video Bring me to life.

There are beautiful notes of music that I hum to. There is always a background score running in my head any moment. Most mornings I get up and a song is stuck in my head all day.

I wish that there would be a recording device so that I can share this world as it plays in my head.

It’s good to write down the beauty of dreaming and lucid dreaming. As you know it is imagination, so it goes in the other direction as well. Some days I give myself such nightmares, they affect me for long.

The night is thus a neutral. I feel like it is a beautiful,cool canvas. The only one which can be illuminated by stars and shining objects.

This canvas is my playground and yes it has to be painted with all colours but black and dark. Contrast it is.