The ex files

A piece of fiction : A narrative of best friends Sunday morning banter about a boyfriend, his ex, Instagram and Facebook and lots of bad words.

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Rene had enough! Her phone flung across the bed and landed near Susan’s nose. The screen showed followers on Insta and an ex girlfriend of Rene’s boyfriend. He had commented below her picture as Timeless beauty. Rene remarked aloud with dramatic hand gestures “And now he considers her a timeless beauty?  6 years after leaving her and waiting for ‘Time” to heal her and make her move on, so he could conveniently enter her life as a social media appreciator.”

‘Why so obsessed with all the exes? Do you have to follow them and search them on Facebook from time to time? Does he need a mental calculator of the fact that people can really be better off without him? Or he has to show that he is a good guy appreciating these women who he left conveniently when something new was brewing. Why the obsession now?”

“Here’s a question. Argument sake. What would you do with a lot of time on your hands and age gone by? Same. Wonder about what could have been? Maybe he is just curious.Uncle is getting older. Age does funny things to people.” Susan blurted with the oreo breaking up in her mouth.

Rene: ‘Its different. I cannot imagine any of those losers again in my life. Whats done is done. I wonder about being a pilot when I was younger’

Susan rolled away her three tiers of belly fat while balancing the 5 cookies in a saucer from the bed and sat face to face with Rene.

“Ren, we are all obsessed. Your guy seems to be obsessed about knowing everything everybody is doing. Its just not your thing. Its ok. Don’t dump him over this and give a My life is serious excuse.’

Ren was not happy. She huffed and puffed her cigarette and squeezed her morning waves of undisciplined hair.

‘Why do I have to see this again and again.. jeez, its five years. Just when I confess to myself that he is the one and I really need him.. I have to go ahead and see his ex’s name typed fresh in his Facebook Search. Who is he… the Dalai Lama of exes?’

Susan: “Why do you care?’

“Because it makes me wanna flirt with my exes just to be one up to ‘his holi social media giving.’

The cookies fell in different directions as Susan spewed her laughter.. the real one where she just couldn’t control.

‘Would you torture yourself just to make a point. Ren.. it was bad enough the first time.” Susan turned red with a chuckle.

Ren: This love stuff is a mother fucker. I would like him to not exist in my life at all. And yet he is there everywhere. In the morning, in the office, in my face… how much he loves me and how we belong together in this life. My ass. All the while glued to his phone wondering what his ex would be eating for dinner.’

It was a poison coming out of Ren’s system and only because Susan was there.

Susan: ‘Let it out my child. All your feelings. You have discussed enough with him. He is not going to explain you WHY he is obsessed. Just like Samantha quoted in Sex and the City, Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls. Because they can.’ Your boyfriend follows his exes just because he can.’

Ren: “Ohh yeah, and then he feels awkward about a Tinder app blinking on my phone. What a poor hypoocritic soul!

Susan: If he does follow and is going to continue to follow around his exes like a dog who sniffs everything around. (chuckles) He is a dog isn’t he? LOL. What you going to do?

Ren puts her head down and releases the tears she never thought she had. “I don’t know what to do.”

Susan: “Thats a good sign. Why don’t we take it from there? Lets forget he exists”

Eyes rolling Ren, ‘Yeah right!’

Susan: Lets just forgot he exists in your mind. That is where he is present, all the time. Why not distract? What about you? What would you want out of your time if he fails to occupy your mind with who he is obsessing about.’

And there went Susan’s roaring laughter again. It was difficult not to laugh at her attempts to make this so light and easy on Ren.. that Ren gave up and joined in.

Ren: ‘Wanting to play an outdoor sport, Tennis. And yeah, travel. And Shop. Spend more horrible cookie and coffee mornings with you. Dream about the American lover.’

Susan and Ren chuckled..

Ren: ‘I get it. I am obsessed too. With him and what he is doing. Its definitely a deal breaker. The exes in his life, who keep making appearances on his phone, in his feed, in his followers. It is annoying. It makes me wanna disappear on him right away because there is nothing to say.  I just Hate it. I do. I even hate that I care.’

Susan: ‘Its okay to feel. I am glad you are this amazing human who feels. And don’t worry about the wrong guy, they leave when their time is up. So do not go around trying to end things. The right one will come when its right. Or better yet, many right ones will line up.’

Ren opens her phone and scrolls through the remaining followers on Insta. “Fuck!’

Susan: ‘What now?”

“He even follows my ex!”

Susan spilling coffee, ‘His Holy..ness!’

Coffee spilled. ‘Dump him immediately.”

 

Diary of School – 1

Just once in a few years you think about school in a much different way. Today I remembered mine.

School. Its almost always a wonderful part of everyone’s life and something people fondly look back on after a few decades when they grow into responsible adults. Meeting up with those who shaped your life and beliefs after many years is a wonderful time lapse which we cherish. Though we always find pleasant get-togethers and reunions that get discussed and how I miss my school – there is absolutely nothing that one gets to see, hear and comment on in terms of a school life gone bad.And just like a Harvey Weinstein case, this is one dark, bottomless pit that is always somewhere with you throughout.

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My sister is visiting after a long gap of a year. It should not seem so long but it feels like it is. After the mundane first 10 days of eating, family functions we are now in a zone of rest and actually talking about stuff. We remembered our old days of living, our neighbors, friends and that they are doing so well. And suddenly you know, memory kicks in.

The topic went to one of the school teachers who lived in our vicinity. She was my class teacher in Standard 4 and you could see she was embarrassed about the fact we lived very close to each other. Its one thing to show that I am not giving any special treatment to someone who lives near my house, its another thing when someone like a teacher decides to give you nightmares.

A long forgotten saga was suddenly alive. For me, I prefer forgiving and leaving things behind because they should not affect your present. Don’t know why my mind is floating in 1996. My sister reckoned the fact that this teacher was infact a judgmental freak especially with children who needed more attention or learning and she would make it vocal to other parents, neighbors that she knew.
I was simple in my communication. I did not understand what a person was really saying. I used to respond to things spoken as they are. Later I was to learn that the area I lived in most of my childhood was a place of freaks who never said what they felt, they did what they didn’t intend to do and spent their time looking at others. No wonder my boisterous, loud, say-as-it-is family had a hard time adjusting here.

I won’t share the incidents with you, its no point bringing it to life. The sad part is that in my mind, those incidents will always be so detailed from start to end that I pity those who are a part of it.

But yes, she made it a hell for me in Std 4, and somewhere even though as a child I could see it had nothing to do with my studies or behavior in class. She put all students in different molds and over a period of a year those molds became clear. She favored the good family, high rankers and was always sweet to them. She disdained the average ones and then she hated those who were shameless about it . I think she made a different mold for me as I came from a different state altogether and spoke their language well. Something I realized can create insinuating jealousy in not just your fellow students but the teachers as well. I have also made a teacher cry just because I asked her questions. Simple questions. Which she knew were right but she could not answer.

There was another one who decided to beat me black n blue one day. Another creepy freaky teacher looked like a sensuous actress herself but she used to stare at me till I actually got uncomfortable. I guess, it was because I was the only girl who crossed her height towards the end of my school years. I had a crazy woman wearing sleeveless who was the Principal for a few years who did not have her cool in place.

Apart from bullying, the girl boy politics and the fact that I was loud, made jokes and was physically and vocally out there, squirmed many fellow students in their seats. I always had someone telling me to be more like a girl, to not jump around so much. Which is fine. What I realized was that I was hated for my boisterousness and eccentricity, something which I never saw in anyone of them. Probably they are all alike like coming from one similar community. Parents alike.

No one was an outlier. Though it feels great to be a stand out after all. Those years were confusing and there are just rare gems of the people I met then who treated me with love and as a human.

This experience worked for me in a different way a year back when a friend of mine got her daughter out of a popular school as she saw that she was sinking and was being left on the side while the teachers threw their hands up and her friends alienated her. I got a chance to witness this huge change in her life. And I was there to tell her. ‘Your daughter is way beyond the understanding of these mortals and they won’t do her justice. She is going to make you proud and do something people cannot even imagine in their small heads and she will always love you and respect you more for being by her side today.’

Well, life is a full circle. And a school is just what it is – a building made of concrete with stones around and a muddy playground to play. Sometimes you get to ring the bell.

 

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The dates you know you will never keep

There are some dates everyone knows they are not going to keep. We all have those. Listing some out of my experience.

Every day a weird ass subject with compelling curiosity fills my brain and I think to myself. ‘i am going to write this today’. That day I realized is not coming as I postpone the writing to a time when it is REALLY a strong feeling. Today I am shoving aside all these excuses and writing something. Whatever it is, so be it.

No matter how truthful we are as a person, there are some obvious lies we all use from time to time. Some are mutual lies as in both the parties involved know that it is a blatant lie and yet accept it and move on without damage. I am going to list down a few.

  1. ‘I am going to do something’ – Guilty as charged. This statement is purely a feeling expressed with words and in a statement that denotes an action will be immediately taken. Except that it isn’t. All your fire to do that thing was spent away in saying that you will.
  2. Meeting with an ‘Ex’ – This is a gray area. I have had a few people willing to come and focus on the food we were having rather than compare our lives with who got better. But pretty much if I run by chance into someone I had gotten rid off for good, there could be a fake smile and fake wonder how you are doing, but I am never following this one up.
  3. Party friends – These are the hyper active, extremely social animals hopping from bar to bar and always having the wide, infectious smile. They are the ones who promise a lot. You almost believe you made a best friend in two drinks. Till you wake up next day and realize you have nothing in common. You still keep the promises and meet each other the way Chandler Bing greets his boss but you are never doing this.
  4. The Competitive colleague – He may have turned around and come into your good books but he will never be your priority. You will keep him where he deserves it – in the boxing ring.
  5. Fake Friends – This deserves an entire book. It is still the best learning you will get while growing up. Identify the fake friends and cancel them out. If you are on your path to true success in life – eliminating the people not good for you features high on the list. Once you get a grip on whats important to you, you will avoid these jokers who waste your time with false promises, non needed gossip and discussion about your life decisions.        673e438fe1e2f9c3bb3dd0fe8c5ffb3f
  6. Family friends – Genuine relationships will never be fake and that,my friends is a relief in this entire list. There are a few family and family friends whom I connect with as a person and hence they are never fake. They might get rude and blunt but not fake. Yet there will be many you will politely promise to see again knowing very well that you won’t.
  7. Social media friends – These are the best. They boost you up always in the form of likes and support with the messages and comments yet given a chance you both are not going to take the effort to really meet in person. Its the fallacy of our times.
  8. Society aunties  & uncles – I have come to believe in the last 5 years that this category really hates me and I hate them too. They can’t digest me and I hate their existence. Given a chance, I might say Hello without any pre conceived notion, but we will always keep a distance.
  9. The Blinkers – These people are very special. They go through life putting blinkers on. They think the world they see through blinkers is the ONLY world that exists. And yes, never fight with them about this. They are very possessive about their ideas. Naturally just hear them out. Because they will be the only ones talking.

I think by now I have lost traction of the title of this blog, to the list of people and what I really wanted to say. But I am still going ahead and putting this out. Firing my ambitions away.

Keep moving.

Padmavati

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There are fewer moments in our lives today which take our breath away, unless you catch the early sunrise and hear birds chirp away as you wake up to an orange glow cast over the skies and praise the universe for its show that puts glimmers of hope into our mundane city lives.

My breath was taken away last night as I watched a late evening show on the first day that Padmavati opened in theatres. I have cupped my hands together and thanked God for this. It is a movie, a probable masterpiece which was held away from a viewer in search of his hope by hopeless, jobless and aimless groups of people who think opening of the mind to be equivalent to losing their well guarded virginity. Both are ultimately inevitable. Not literally.

About the movie –

Grandeur, Resplendence. Aura. Charisma. Illusion. Fantasy.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali – I admire your ruthlessness as a creator of these lost love tragedies that you give us painted with such vibrance and grandeur that we eat out of your hands for those 3 hours of worthy time in a theatre. Not bowing down to any circumstances – your sets get burned, people threaten you and yet we await and watch your majestic creation in awe. Thank you for being so bold. And yes, your film is a majestic treat for the senses.

Padmavati is an interesting story. More so as it puts many aspects of human life to test. The values of a community, importance of festivals, war and the fair share of consequences, story of love, story of lust, man’s greed to have what he wants, principles of negotiation and also forbidden love. The story by now is known to all. Its played out linear in narration and visuals and anyone can keep up with where the film is headed. The journey is interesting as are its characters. The antagonist, Allaudin Khilji played by Ranveer Singh has opened a new pathway for Bollywood actors. We just started worshipping Prabhas last year for Baahubali, but we do not worship any of our Khans in that order. Its a league well reserved for the Bhansali clan.

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His intensity in his madness and the extent of portraying the tyranny and cruelty of Allaudin Khilji and how he successfully would have taken over Hindustan of the 1300s had he not been blinded by his love for greed. The film belongs to him. We once again get to see war – plain and simple, devoid of judgement only celebrating the victor. He has interesting stories of shrewdness and deception which establish his victory.

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Malik Kafur played by Jim Sarbh is yet again a road none dare to take in this industry. He owns the frame in which he belongs. A song in the film shows his lust and wanting for Allaudin. The song in its visual is a masterpiece I haven’t witnessed before in a Bollywood movie. His love, his yearning and his acceptance of being a second fiddle all match well.

Deepika slays. The title role is given justice by Deepika and yet again shows her as the second wife who takes in everything her marriage offers including Jouhar.

Shahid is good. And yes, there is a time when the movie slows down and drags and their is a huge emphasis on Rajputs and their values.

Despite the story being simple, the last 20 minutes of the film will engulf you, roll you and will take you to Chittor. The music rises with the climax and keeps going as you feel within you the preparation of those women in doing Jouhar. The scene is not extra ordinary in what is shown but it is mind blowing in its feeling. You will feel goosebumps and a deep connect to the story at this point. After this moment, you will rush into wanting to know and understand every aspect of this history that you may have overlooked, forgotten or mugged for your exams. This very feeling, taken seriously might change the way we connect to our history. But as the controversy of this movie goes, we have no idea who wrote this history or how true it is.

After the movie,I realized what made the movie controversial – the fact that it was a woman who drove that part of history. The Mewar documentation of history has no mention of its queens, I ask Why?

It glorifies a man, his manhood, his supremacy and contribution in history. And it had never been secure to share the space with the female gender and their stories.

This movie opens you up to what a woman in power can do. It shakes the very foundation of people who put woman behind a ghoonghat and expect her to not have a voice. The controversy is not of Padmavati, Khilji or hurting anyone’s sentiments as much as it shakes the pillars of patriarchy. Like Khilji who lost his mind after hearing the screaming bails of women burning in the Jouhar, these closed minded people today feel the same anguish and loss of control if a woman ever decides to take her destiny into her own hands. And Padmavati will reach millions worldwide through the power of film and through the eyes of SLB.

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I bow down to what this movie stands for and what it has scratched into these times that we live.

5 ⭐️

A minute and a half

She typed her fire statement in bold with her deep black ink pen onto the white crisp sheet of paper she snatched from under her latest reading book. That was the statement in her mind which brightens her eyes, makes her leave everything she is doing and get to writing it all down. The fire statement put another bomb line for her to proceed into a river full of words that she maneuvered across a path to the ultimate sea of understanding. She has a quick realization. She has left her food prep for dinner at the kitchen table and her dedicated husband in the living room without giving any notice of her downpour coming. She checks her watch. A minute and a half later he is at the door of her study and asks her the question she hates. ‘What are you doing here?’

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Now our madam is so used to a life of her own and her own times of motivations and movement, it was always a challenge to explain what she felt, why she felt it at that exact time and why she found it so precariously important to forget everything and get it done.

At the same time, her last 5 years had been steadily stabilized and pushed into the routine she dreads and runs away from by her ever loving and a complete opposite lover. He was too innocent for her complex and smart brain to deviate her from all the drama she created to avoid settling down into a domestic life with him. His innocent questions at her attempts to break up the relation logically, her disappearance into distant places for a day or two with no trace and her flared anger at physically pushing him out of her spectrum were the things he responded to with such a sensitivity it forced her into guilt.

She had not given up these vicious attempts, she had learnt to be easy in her reactions as none of the forceful things worked with this one. He just grew stronger in his hold of her but like the water that takes shape of the vessel it is in. She had no defense beyond his surrender.

Yet, time and again the free soul inside her tested his abilities to hold her without her consciously choosing to do so. Quite simply that is how her life had been. Alert, fierce and swooshing around like the wind out of the grasp of anyone who tried to hold her and name her as a form. She was formless, but she loved to stay with a simpleton sitting on the top of a mountain enjoying his breeze as it floated by. Her only place of solace. Her security. At times, when he entered her room to check on her, or the fact that he could not leave her alone more than a minute and a half, intrigued as well as irritated her.

As she toyed the idea of answering his question with utmost honesty or the best possible lies she could tell, she smirked at his naivety. Her imagination went ‘Do you have to always know what I am upto and follow me. Don’t you understand I need space?’ and break his heart for a day and a half, essentially giving her the space she required to create what she wanted. OR ‘What if…’ she thought.

She picked her heavy black nibbed pen, smiled at him and called him over to see if she had penned down her thoughts about this space a woman craved for, well enough in these first two statements.

His naive mind would seize the opportunity and suggest her 8 to 10 things she could better, which is when she retreated to her desire for her day and a half of silent space again.

 

Pic Courtesy: /brainsnorts.files.wordpress

Thank you Bieber.

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Very popular Justin number ‘what do you mean?’ Its got this amazing beats as per the tick tocking of a clock. Loved it

Thank you for making me understand my mom partly. Most of my life has been saying one or many things mentioned in the lyrics of this song trying to get near to what she really means, wants and what  I should do for her.The line ‘argue all day, make love all night’ does not apply.. but ‘make tea and snacks when I don’t want’ does apply after all the arguing.

Mothers everywhere are really special creatures. Very unique, intense. Mostly annoying. She is the only mystery I let be intact. And hence, this song works best to describe her. Every Sunday she portrays my entire life in a single breath for 15 min and asks me questions even GODS were not asked when they created this world.

Now that I think, I feel most of Justin Bieber’s songs are about talking to my mother. Its almost always late to say sorry.

 

 

 

Good bye 2017

How are you? How is your life? How much has it changed since the last time I wrote? 😛

Hiya, its been an awesome year with 2017 2016 was like a kick in the gut and 2017 continued but I somehow learnt to deal with that kick.

I want to thank 2017 for everything. I can literally see the whole year in my imaginations. I have thrown more than a dozen people out of my life. Proud to say, I have zero tolerance for negativity and mediocrity. There are some who just do not deserve a seat at your table.Here is something I am vouching for, getting rid of the people who are not meant for you is the single most important aspect of your success in life to begin. Yes, I experienced it first hand.

I have realized the importance of keeping the energy clean in office, at home and within. Everything revolves around our energy and it is our duty to keep it positive and active.

I have learnt to be happy and calm when broke. Basically I have learnt to live life as a broke person. My earnings are no longer monthlly. They are anytime and most of the time they are not there and it is FINE. I spent 2016 dying of guilt that I had less money than what I assumed was a limit to live with. Now I have none and yet my work continues.

Most importantly I have learnt to be happy with what I have. Sounds cliched. It is not. We all dream of more, want more and have a standard we want to reach and that drives ambition.  To keep my sanity and bring in more peace I drove away ambition. Ambition gives you and your near ones a lot of pain because you are always chasing an image, blindly ever so. Its not healthy and definitely not positive.
I am not ambitious anymore. I enjoy the process of doing something. AND THAT HAS given me happiness.

Another gift of killing ambition is I learnt to delay gratification and in some cases I achieved cancelling it out altogether. Ambition subconsciously makes you want and get things you don’t need but only because you  aspire to look something and be something you are not. It becomes difficult to resist the temptation to not follow that ambition. But when you deny ambition, you get real and understand from a soul perspective, if you really NEED something. The answer is always a NO.

I learnt that anger, greed and trying to prove my point is a waste of my energy and gives me no benefit. So I am leaving that behind. But I give myself full permit to give bad words at the right time so that I remain free from any baggage.

I have found Joy in giving. Doing something nobody would expect me to do. I bake cakes for no reason or occasion. I take a drive with my dogs with no purpose. I invite random people for tea and see them happy. It doesn’t take a lot.

MOST IMP – I learnt how to take care of my skin and do make up. Yes. As shocking as the words me and makeup in same line is, this art of creating a face with features and colors got me hooked. It gave me a break and took me away in imaginations. I started playing with different elements in color cosmetics and there is so much to learn. Its fabulous. And I love to do it to friends and family getting ready to go to a wedding. The basics of mascara and a lipgloss I reserve it for me.

Lots of good lessons haan. They don’t come easy honey and for that I am thankful.

So 2018, as you would have derived is going to be a GREAT YEAR. It is going to ROCK.

Its all inside of us.