The lows of life and creativity

 

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For a while I wondered the motivation in me to be able to write down something that feels soul filling when done. The feeling that it presents a great opportunity and ‘feelings’ for me to pen down something wonderful just because I own the narrative. And the necessity of this expression is what fuels the need to write it down.

Let me simplify. I have found that when I am low, bogged down with questions of life and trying to go deep into the why of something, I do come with certain conclusions and they propel me into wanting to put it across.

While pondering in this introspection, I also researched quite a few of us brilliant souls, who happened to kill themselves. Chester Bennington’s death really purged that question in me – Why?

Then I happened to remember many as such – Jim, Kurt, Amy, Robin Williams who killed themselves. We accepted their early departure and moved on with pity.

When life treats you a different roller coaster than ordinary people, it takes you to extreme highs and lows. These experiences etch in memory and form patterns to decipher and react to.

Gruelling paradoxes of life really unsettle the deep thinkers. Because life has to make some sense in black and white for them to be able to live this life with one outlook. I hold this obsession too. There is an eternal questioning to mark life in one strong adjective for all. And yet the poets in us resonate with this deep realization that it is never so. Again, what a paradox! In poetry its so beautiful. In reality, we find it so hard to let it go. We do not.

What is black and white? What is this side or the other side? Who are you? Are YOU really there?

In search of these answers, I discovered Vipassana. I have a wise old friend who would bear with my questions and the paradox of answers and he suggested I go away to a Vipassana course because my mind is too seeking and I shall find my answers.

We once saw The Doors and hummed away – Break onto the other side where we spent a long evening discussing what Jim meant.

I finished the divine course and met him again for a rendezvous of my experience and I proudly looked at him as I uttered those impressioned words ‘I broke onto the other side’. Serenely he replied ‘There is no other side.’

Our living is mystical beyond a point. No questions and no answers.

The seeking is what has created the consuming novels, books, songs and the grandeur in any form of story telling. Because we always live in a hope of knowing something more, finding something more. The quest of these seekers and their creations glues millions to follow what has been experienced by them. In commercial terms, it sells. It sells dreams, creates fantasies or an aspiration, a belonging or a longing. At the cost of sanity or life, the creative mind seeks .. relentlessly. Till he has no further answers to himself. He does not know how to stop and live the mystery again. The hopes and dreams of a million people rest on him.

 

 

 

 

 

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A little about Jagga Jasoos Film

After long I sat for 3 hours watching a cinematic experience. I had developed a phobia a few years ago to be inside a dark theatre watching senseless direction and stories that would take away precious hours of my life. So I avoided watching movies.

These days you can look at the poster, first trailer and know for sure that it would be worthless to watch a film, waste money and time, eat compulsorily from the over priced pop corn counter in the multiplex. Cannot think of the last movie that surprised me. It was probably Drishyam and delightfully it played on my television screen post 4 months of release. Good cinema is such a rarity, it has become the art in a museum that as a layman once in a while is able to appreciate and understand.

Jagga Jasoos : I tried to look beyond Ranbir Kapoor and Katrina Kaif as entities and really got pulled in with the cinematography. The story also seemed to appeal the Agatha-Christie-setups in my head. I prayed for the story to be simple in its narration because if it was to be as the Christie novels it might fly right over our Indian audiences. The movie is a musical. It has 28 songs that communicate the film and the narrative throughout. This is the first for a Bollywood movie. Musicals have remained mostly confined to drama and live performances.

Anurag Basu has beauty in his stories. And the highest raking films in India are family films no doubt. This film is a wonderland for children, young, adults altogether. Capturing the essence of the North East India and giving us the breath taking visuals across Morroco was such a break from the monotone of locations.

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Ranbir Kapoor

The boy takes effort. He has a good screen presence and works well with comedy as well as a ‘happy face’. Touted as the next superstar from his first film, Ranbir comes with a legacy in Indian cinema. His depressing roles and movies in between really sucked the energy out of his fandom but he is young, plays around and slaps his butt now and again to retain our attention. He is someone who will simmer for a long time.

Great work in Jagga as Jagga. He stands true to the story and its need. But I personally am fed up with his roles stereotyping him with a sad story.

Katrina has been directed well. She does a good job of being accidental. I am happy she got a chance to act pretty good part in the movie. Her being a plain jane makes her so approachable something which she needed now.

We need an uncomplicated movie once in a while which just drags us into the story and safely drops us home like a smooth car with great suspension.

Watch it and delight.

 

I’ll tell you why there are so many abandoned dogs.

It is not easy to own a dog, And no one makes it easy for you.

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I have two german shepherds of my own. I had a great love for dogs and after causing some hell, two beautiful and intelligent beings entered my life and changed it completely. Everyone feels love for cute and cuddly dogs. Even looking at a pup and wanting it more than ever feels great.

I will tell you what happens after you bring the pup home. They pee and poop anytime. They need to be fed atleast 4 times in the day. At night you have to be careful where they are and step accordingly in the dark. And you will have to become a morning person overnight. A puppy is not just something to show off or cuddle whenever you want. It is a lot more responsibility. And I am not saying that new pet owners do not know this. It obviously takes time for a pet owner to understand all this and change their life accordingly. Just like when a baby comes home.

The pup he or she has its own behavioral characteristics. Over the period of a year, they will make it clear what they want and don’t want as well. The puppy is not just going to stay cute and cuddly. It will be demanding, it will take time to accept you and find a place in your life.

I will tell you the difference in having a human baby and a puppy. Ofcourse it is a huge difference. The baby is welcomed in the human world but one and by all. It is given love, respect and lots of attention by one and everyone alike. When you will have a puppy, the humans around you will break up into two segments. One who adore you for this and one who just hate having dogs around. That means your relationship dynamics change overnight. You are totally responsible for the pup’s life and most of the time the near family also resists the puppy coming into their homes. So with this pressure a pet owner starts on the difficult and all confusing journey of giving the puppy everything it needs while still living in society taking care of individual preferences of people towards THIS choice of your life.

You will live in near panic almost all the time you take your puppy out. You will hold onto dear life as your puppy spots a cat or other dogs and bark because they want to meet them. You will have your heart in your mouth when they bark at home or outside. You will fear it will drive other people away. You will always see the most disgusted looks on other society members while your puppy makes it from the elevator to your home and outside for a walk.

Somehow, in Indian cities, and now the so called maintained townships, people equate a puppy or a dog with dirt everywhere. So you will always hate it when your puppy innocently pees or poops in front of other people. People expect the puppy to be a responsible citizen of this country from the moment you decided to bring it home.

Children will play with the puppy and their parents will warn you for impending dirt and gems from your puppy that might affect their children. Elders will find you crazy and misfit in marriage because you got a puppy. Practically no one who lives in your building will love you after that point. And every challenge of making the puppy grow up will be a double edged sword for you that will sink in your system.

Your maid will not last long because there are always too many hair to clean and she only signed up for zooming the broom in one stroke across 5 rooms.

If you live in a huge township, there will be letters from society management that your dog was found running in grass and there are broken plants that could be because of your dog. Most incidents that happen in your society will find a way to be blamed on you and your dog. If you live in Pune, where I stay, the housekeeping people will come at your door and yell at you for every patch of water collected in the lobby. They will also not clean the society gardens of any poop, I mean it could be from the cats or strays but it Becomes your responsibility CAUSE YOU OWN A PET.

Your puppy will then want your attention and want you to play with it, be proud of it and you will be sick tired from all this new found negative attention and hostile abandoning from the human race. You will then yell at your puppy or beat it wanting it to behave more like a human and you will find yourself sinking because no one is going to help you survive this. You will regret that you brought the puppy and now you cannot give it a life you thought you would. Your puppy will demand to run freely and play with it in a garden area. And the human race will cuss you for it. Finally you will get tired facing everyone inside your family and outside and decide to give it away before you beat it more and see it sad.

Doesn’t sound like a good story isn’t it? There are many who become bold from all this isolation and live their life with their pets the way they want and ignore all the naysayers and problem creators and you know what HATS OFF to them.

It takes 2 years to live with a puppy and learn what it is like to be a pet owner. Its like you are heading a revolution that is going to be for the better of the world but in your own time, you have to pay heavily for your peace.

It is not easy. To add to all this there are finances required to manage a puppy and of course the growing organizations that will punish you or take your pet away if they feel you are being cruel to it or its being abused. There are also pet services but which cost a bomb. Not to forget your TIME And your source of income all which have to be managed alongside.

In India, animals have no respect and those who are with animals are also treated the same. We need compassion and understanding for all types of people. Everyone makes their choices for their own peace and love. Some get married, some do not, some have children, some do not, some have one dog and some choose to have 2, like me. When our way is not appreciated and we are pressured to give it up, will we remain peaceful and loving beings?

The fact that someone abandoned their dog does not tell you their full story. He probably saved his dog from being abused and hurt from his own anger and he gave away the dog because the guilt and failure of not living up to the dog’s life is killing him everyday. It would never be easy to look into the puppy’s eyes because they will make you fall in love and destroy you for having done this to them.

It is true that training your pets and training your self to be accepting and kind towards everyone and focus on what works for you is an Emotional Intelligence trait that will help us all. Because all the challenges listed and many more; they are not going to stop. Somewhere you will realize your pet made you resilient in this showbiz of human society and what you got in return was a true friend for life.

Again, Hats Off to all pet owners.

 

A vlog on the Mumbai Traffic

​​Mumbai.. concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there is nothing you can do. This is true for the Mumbai traffic as well. There is nothing you can do. 

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Vlogging in Mumbai traffic because I can.

Travelling with a spontaneous, sarcastic friend is always a treat, ain’t it? 

Have fun and leave comments. 

Ciao

You can also play more videos on my YouTube channel. Just search for Sneha Mallya sne631@gmail.com

.. Feels like I need to be ‘there’

 

Does this happen… life is going by on the side.. and one very fine afternoon. You sit thinking about that one moment you can’t share with anyone. That one moment totally owned by your heart, that one decision thereafter which your life would have never been the same.
Why would I keep thinking of those moments again and again. I mean there is ofcourse a closure right? What does it mean if these feelings haunt you once every week. Whats up, brain chemicals? OMG my instincts is it?
 
Is this the feeling that somewhere a train is leaving?
A flight is taking off.. and you somehow had to be there.
Are Goodbyes ever enough?
What if something is pending?
What if you have to do something about it?
Should you?
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This feeling rules all romantic movies. Doesn’t it?
Going after someone you love at the airport, train station, travelling the metro, saying good bye but not really meaning it or stopping a plane because you want to declare your love, has ruined us for life. Expectations hell yeah! Its not love until the train stops. Apart from life long romance, when someone runs and wins after getting motivated. When your superhero fights with all his might and beats the shit out of the antagonist, it creates a funny feeling in your chest and tummy and suddenly you feel everything is justified.
These feelings I just described are the essence of life, my life. I live my life waiting for these moments. Come on, aren’t we living in a time where people take drugs to experience love and butterflies in their stomach. I thought why don’t I revel in these moments without any judgements.
Okay so, I am an Aquarian woman. Falling in love and expressing it are big challenges. Hell, even maintaining eye contact with people I do not want to look at comes as a huge challenge. But do you know what!! I feel 200% more on the inside. I am a Bollywood dreamer on the inside. I rehearse my meetings with my loved ones. I can live the moment way before it happens and experience my ecstasy just through my thoughts.
I always have believed in going out of the box. I will do things that are impossible.
I will take a flight alone, I will travel miles for someone I feel all this and I will make it look like it was nothing. Just another day in my life. What no one knows is that these days of my life are the ones that make me come alive. 4 days of living just by my instincts has given more to me in experience, in understanding of myself and most importantly my capacity to be in Love, with the moment, with a person, with me when I am there, the place, the magic of that feeling.. See ‘Bollywood’
I am good at scripting, story telling, taking the fantasies straight out in the open and proving to my own self that I can actually live through my fantasies.
There are flip sides to this,
1) You have to be ready for whatever happens
     Living like this definitely does not give any guarantees and the very fact that you are        true to your self will keep you ready even in the face of rejection.
     I have asked many a people sometimes to have another coffee, or have a drink or go
     on drive. And because there is no intention in it, escape for the coffee, drink or drive
     it is easier to handle a ‘No’. More often that not, this no also comes very politely. That
     person is going to remember you and probably dream of meeting you again no matter
     how many years it takes.
2) Your heart will be broken
     Heart break as I have observed is more painful when done for someone’s acceptance        and quite matured when it comes against what you totally are in tune with. Simply
     being, its much easier to accept a heartbreak after you gave it your all and it reached a      point of rejection. You will be practical in accepting that the latter part did not work         out. But you are going to live the rest of your life with pride.
3) Your near and dear ones won’t be able to relate to you
      This is living on the edge. For me, this is being a real human being with no garbage in       the mind. You are free, no burden. Yet remember that we all live in a system and you
      would have family and friends and they won’t be able to relate to the person before           you did this and the one after. Something changes and it is always for the better.                 Because this process is of becoming a best friend of your self.
4) You will sit afternoons or nights wondering about what ifs
     Just like me today. Yes, if you live your life this way, which is actually your own way,          you are going to have soul questions popping up and you will be forced to slow down        and confront them. This is your best friend demanding answers, nudging you to go on      and do more crazy.
On the path of self friendship, you will encounter all this and more, the elements which bother you for example the crush you had your heart on or a soul connection you fell in love with are mere reflections. The journey is you and you are the journey. Probably through the Rubik’s cube of life, you may even meet again and give the seeking energy its warmth.
My tea is over and through this write up I have answered my soul questions for now. 🙂
Gotto go do crazy.
What else do you expect a Bollywood and dance fanatic to do, Sit in office and listen to Diljit Dosanjh?
Hell yes I am.
In my thoughts.

 

 

I am .. what they say .. ‘Awkward’


My first impression is hardly ever a good one. Even if I am liked, it’s because someone saw me eating food. There is rarely a first time I am open and smiling to people meeting me for the first time. The rare occasions where I have felt love and harmony for strangers is when I was under a little influence of some friendly herbs. See again .. near to food.
I had a complexity of this unlikeable, what do I say and be acceptable syndrome for a long time. I had also experienced anxiety in confrontations about being right in situations.

I am a very controversial person. Lest I knew that. But it is difficult to accept it and just stand alone. So knowing this fact, I try not be a part of any controversy.

I didn’t want the spotlight. I was comfortable not being judged… I mean who doesn’t. I wanted ease of acceptability and not just acceptability.

This fear to stand out made me into a hidden figure. I loved to stay away from hustle bustle,too many people, groups of them looking at you as if you have to contribute rightly to the discussion. It feels like pressure. Is everyone under such pressure to be nice?

I am also bad at apology especially when it comes to my pets, comments about who I am and which mould I fit in, relatives bashing and workplace politics. Totally suck. And when I have been someone who adjusts a lot to convenience others, god I just don’t like that person. I hate what I become.

It’s not natural and I am a bitch sometimes. I can’t help it. I know very well how to make them come to terms and even understand my state and sympathise with me after sufficient time has passed by and everything has cooled down, but never at that instant. Unless I am closing a deal or negotiating with a vendor. People do know the difference between work and outside of work humanity. Everything is fair in business. That is the right quote.

Having said that, I feel a deep concern for humanity, across the world suffering, violence, lack of trust in people, animals and nature. So this is grand. And it is a part of my everyday thought. It worries me. And I have this deep felt need to contribute to make this world a better place. I try. I really do. It also feels good doing random acts of kindness. I am not a selfish person you see. I just communicate when I know I will be effective. I am generally not effective in petty issues and drama oriented confrontations. They are just not for me.

With all those who have been with me for years, a part of the conversation has been ‘ at first, I thought you were too snobbish a person. Little did we know you hardly stop talking and have bursts of laughing gas moments.’ Little has anyone known the paralysing anxiety of whether I will be okay them knowing how crazy I am.

What to do… my first impression is always wrong.